And My Angel Bled
by Queen Angelblood
Summary: Someone reflects on their lover. Shonen ai, depression, violence and character death


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em.  
  
He sighed, letting his eyes wander the dowdy apratment. He'd always thought he'd been the strong one- the one who didn't need anyone else. How very wrong he'd been.   
  
He was alone, as usual, curled up on the bed, waiting for the gleam of his missing counterpart's  
eyes in the darkness. He closed earth brown eyes, watching the image that burned on the backs of his eyelids. He inhaled deeply, catching the scent of everything and anything that was- had ever been- Rei. He buried his face in the vacant pillow, revelling in the faint scent of shampoo and conditioner. Rei had prided himself on his hair, making sure the locks were like silk. His conditioner had been like an aphrodisiac. He'd loved Rei's hair. He sighed again, content for just a moment to be lying in the exact spot his lover had spent his last few hours. True- the sheets were no longer fresh and crisp like they had been, but he couldn't bring himself to strip away the last remnants of his angel. He opened his eyes, wondering if the seperation was hurting Rei too. It was a stupid thought- angels don't hurt. Of course, angels didn't bleed either- but there had been so much blood. Matted in scarlet ribbons through his hair, crimson rivers across the paling skin, washing out the tan it had once held. His eyes, the glinting gold reduced to a dull yellow, clouded by pain and shock. The pleading look he'd given him- the last "words" spoken between them.   
  
Kai slammed his fist into the pillow, biting back tears. He was so goddamn weak! He hadn't been able to help- hadn't been able to save him. It hadn't even crossed his mind. All he could do was stare in shock as the gleaming blade became dulled by crimson, slamming through crucial arteries again and again. He could barely recall the piercing howls of pain, which was the melody Rei's vocal chords had been singing. He didn't even think he'd registered them. All he'd known was the knife, spilling his own life with Rei's; gutting him along with his angel.   
  
The killer had been locked up- so what? All his time, all his mistakes at the scene didn't bring his angel back to him. Rei was dead by the time his face met the asphalt of the alley. He remembered waking up from the cold shock as the noise died away; as the blood puddled on the rain-soaked pavement. He remembered being hysterical- holding Rei close to him, trying to make himself believe he would live, telling himself lies to console himself.   
  
He remembered the couple who'd found him- they'd literally had to drag him away from Rei's lifeless body. He'd never cried so hard- never hated himself more. There was so much he could have done, but no! He'd ignored it all, backed down from the challenge life had laughingly thrown in his face.  
  
He remembered the hospital, the doctors, the police- everything. The "I'm so sorry"s, the sympathy and pity on all their faces. He didn't want their false consolations.He wanted Rei back. He remembered, as he'd walked down the halls, ignoring the hustlebustle- how Rei had saved him once, recalled how the neko-jin hybrid had visited him everyday after his suicide attempt. As he eited the doors into the cool night air, he wouldn't ever visit Rei again- and see him. He'd wandered for the longest time, not caring where his feet took him. Finally, around 2:00 am, he found himself standing beneath the tree where they'd shared their first kiss.. He didn't know why he'd wlked there- he cetainly didn't want to face the floodtide of memories it triggered. Rei smiled out at him from every one- like seven hundred mental snapshots. Kai had leaned against the massive tree and slid down it, sobbing. All he wanted was Rei back.  
  
He sat up, snapped back to reality for no apparent reason. His eyes slid around the room, recalling the fresh pain each day brought to him- the week-old wound that hadn't healed yet. He hadn't bothered to remove anything of his boyfriend's yet- he couldn't bring himself to disassemble the shrine, as it were. The laundry, still piled in the corner, waited patiently for Rei to wad it up and take it to the laudromat. The dishes were piled by the sink, waiting for Rei's hands to bathe them, then to be passed to Kai's dish-towel covered hands and be wiped dry. The couch waited for them to curl up and cuddle on it as they watched this week's episode of "Friends". The bathroom waited for rei to get up in the morning and spend hours fiing his hair in front of the now-cracked mirror. The door waited for Rei to open it and walk in, kicking his shoes off in the foyer after a long day at work. And the bedroom- the bedroom waited to fold them both in it's comfort as they slept off the exertion of love-making, wrapped safe in each other's arms, breathing light and easy in peaceful slumber. Everything was at a standtill, waiting for Rei. Including Kai. He couldn't go back and he couldn't go forward. He was stuck; he was lost and needed someone to guide him to safety. But nobody knew how to help him- no one knew how to reach him through his pain. He was quietly fading away with Rei- he was dead in their eyes. And his own. They might as well have buried him with Rei. Anything had to be better than the Hell he was living right now. He couldn't remeber the last time he'd eaten- had wanted to eat. He couldn't remeber the last time he hadn't dreamt of Rei while he slept- which was rarely. He couldn't remeber anything- except the last evening they'd spent together. He could replay everything so vividly in his mind- it was like it was happening all over again. He couldn't decide whether to be happy or sad over that- their last night ahd been Heaven- but it had also been their last and it was Hell knowing that.   
  
Rei had come home, tired and aggravated- he hated his job. Since this was the case, Kai had suggested take-out for dinner, which Rei had gladly agreed to. He was too tired to make anything. While they were waiting for the delivery boy to show up, Rei turned on the stereo, unwinding from the day by dancing. Rei had explained to him that it was therapeutic- letting all the tension disappear as he moved his body in time to the rhythm. Kai didn't mind- Rei ~could~ dance rather well and it was usually fairly entertaining. Tonight's song had been a club remix of Kylie Minogue's "Love at First Sight". Neither of them really cared what it was. The delivery had finally arrived and Rei had tipped the delivery boy rather handsomely. After dinner, they'd cuddled for a while, watching T.V. When they finally tired of that, they'd made love/i- Kai could still feel the passion of Rei's lips against his own; the frantic need of their fevered movements. i Afterwards, they'd fallen asleep. When they'd woken, it hadn't been any later than 10:00 pm, so they'd cleaned themselves up and decided to met a friend, who was working the night-shift at the local coffee shop. They hadn't seen her in ages, not since she'd gone to college in America. And they had made the stupid mistake of walking down that alley. And Rei had been murdered by the drunken git who was trying to hit on him. Needless to say, they'd never met their friend, and when Kai called the next morning to apologize, she'd already heard. And had given Kai some more of the sympathy crap. Kai had just wanted to tear her vocal chords out, just for saying "I'm sorry to hear...". Instead, he'd slammed down the reciever and hadn't spoken to her since.   
  
Nobody understood the pain he was in! Nobody on this Earth knew that he'd loved Rei- no, he still did love Rei- more than life itself! He would have given anything- everything- to change their actions, his own actions. He would have breathed his own breath into Rei's lungs; Bled his own blood into Rei's veins if it would have brought him back. With hot tears burning the corners of his eyes, he glanced across the room, still able to make out the photographs of Rei with frightening clarity, even behind the blur of tears. And he knew he wanted to end it all. He couldn't live with the pain of not having him- couldn't live without his angel. And knowing that, he pulled the knife out from under the pillow- the very knife that had been coated with Rei's blood. That still was. It was the only piece of evidence the police had never recovered. Changing into the blood-smeared clothes he'd been wearing that night, he dragged Rei's own bloodied outfit from the depths of laundry pile. He spread it out on the bed, admiring it for a moment. Rei had always been a snappy dresser. Then he laid down. Closing his eyes, he slit his wrists. He opened his eyes again and watched the blood dribble down his arm. He took a shaky breath and continued. His ankles were next on the list, followed by his abdomen. He knew exactly where Rei had been cut- and cut himself there too, so they'd have matching scars. Although his own would been more elegant and less violent. He felt dizzy now- he was losing so much blood- it was spilling everywhere, the crimson replacement for tears. His neck, just above his temple- then the knife hovered above his heart. The world was spinning out of control now- he was completely oblivious to everything except the knife. His hands trembled and he fought with himself to hold out until he'd finished. Finally, he managed to summon a shaky smile. "I...I thought I was stronger than this." Then, with a violent surge of strength, he plunged the blade into his heart, slumping forward onto the blood-soaked bed as his life force left his being. His breathing stoped and the apartment was silent, save for the nighttime city outside the window.  
  
Kai woke, revelling in the sensation of arms being wrapped around him. He looked up into golden eyes, eyes that were wet with tears. He opened his mouth to speak, but a slender finger against his lips silenced him. "Shh," was all Rei said, his voice holding a touch more tranquility than it had when he'd been alive. "Angel," Kai whispered, keeping the word soft as he fell back into a deep slumber, revelling in the sensation of Rei's fingers twining in his hair, their bodies pressed together coyly, sharing the warmth they'd both been missing. The pain was over now- they'd reached their Heaven.  
  
~OWARII~  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Well, there we have it: the result of me reading way too many angst fics in less than an hour and my muse poking and prodding me to write something. Here's a list of what I was listening to while I wrote this, or at least, was until my CD player quit on me.   
  
Orgy- "Blue Monday"  
Tea Party- "Heaven Coming Down"  
Puddle of Mudd- "Blurry"  
Pink- "My Vietnam"  
Coldplay- "Yellow"  
Nickelback- "Too Bad"  
Madhouse- "Like a Prayer"  
Linkin Park- "Forgotten"  
Red Hot Chili Peppers- "Porcelain"  
Eurythmics- "Angel"  
Moby- "We're All Made of Stars"  
Incubus- "Wish You Were Here"  
Shakira- "Objection (Tango)"  
Red Hot Chili Peppers- "By the Way"  
Kylie Minogue- "Love At First Sight" (Extended Vocal Club Mix)  
  
And there you have it. What inspired each paragraph. I listened to some songs twice. The last page was written completely on "Blurry" power. I love that song! ^_^ This fic was 7 pages long, in written hand.   
Constructive critiscim is welcome, but flames will only be used for burning my homework and entertaining Midgie-chan. 


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